beyond cinderella

The information I received from my therapist about Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) and how it works says “in 1987, psychologist Dr. Francine Shapiro made the chance observation that eye movements can reduce the intensity of disturbing thoughts, under certain conditions. No one knows how any form of psychotherapy works neurobiologically or in the brain. But it has been found that when a person is very upset, their brain cannot process information as it does ordinarily. One moment becomes “frozen in time,” and remembering a trauma may feel as bad as going through it the first time because the images, sounds, smells, and feelings haven’t changed. Such memories have a lasting negative effect that interferes with the way a person sees the world and they way they relate to other people.

EMDR seems to have a direct effect on the way that the brain processes information. Normal information processing is resumed, so following a successful EMDR session, a person no longer relives the images, sounds, and feelings when the event is brought to mind. You still remember what happened, but it is less upsetting. Many types of therapy have similar goals. However, EMDR appears to be similar to what occurs naturally during dreaming or REM (rapid eye movement) sleep. Therefore, EMDR can be thought as a physiologically based therapy that helps a person see disturbing material in a new and less distressing way.”

Let me just say here that when I first heard about this treatment, I was not sure this was going to work for me. I couldn’t understand how putting a headset on and holding a small stimulator in each hand could possibly help me with the trauma I had experienced. But, I was open to anything because I knew I couldn’t go on the way I was. I was a mess to say the least. I couldn’t sleep at night without a bright light on (so if I woke up I could quickly scan the room to make sure there were no scorpions around) and even with that, I wasn’t really getting much sleep at all. If I saw a scorpion during the day, I would spray it until it was dead and get rid of it, but I just couldn’t get my emotions settled down again after that, sometimes for days. I knew I had to do something not only for my own well being, but I also didn’t want to put all that on my family and friends. So I sought help with the open mind of trying whatever it took to help me understand and deal with what was happening to me.

My therapist explained the whole EMDR process to me on the first visit, then I came back to have the actual treatment done. All I can say is it was THE most amazing thing I ever experienced. I was sitting in a very relaxing overstuffed chair and the room was dimly lit. My therapist gave me a headset to put on over my ears and I held a small stimulator in each hand. Then, my therapist had me close my eyes (I had to keep my eyes closed throughout the entire treatment session ) and do deep breathing exercises that she talked me through. I never was asleep, but I did become very, very, relaxed. Then, I was asked to bring up the image of the scorpion in my mind all the while keeping my eyes closed. My therapist began to talk to me about what the scorpion looked like to me and my heart started to beat faster as I began to describe what I was seeing. As I spoke my therapist stated the EMDR machine which would beep in one ear and then the other while I would feel the stimulators in my hand one and then the other. I immediately began to sob and cry and I was shaking so hard I could hardly speak. All the while my therapist would talk to me and tell me I was fine, and that I could coexist with these creatures around me as long as I knew how to deal with them.

During the treatment session, my therapist facilitated the directional movement of my eyes with the controlled beeps I would hear in each ear and by the stimulators I held in each hand. This would continue until the memory became less disturbing and was associated with positive thoughts and beliefs about myself. For example, my therapist reminded me I was strong enough to handle whatever I needed to do to stay safe within my environment and reminded me how much I love my new home and how it was going to be my safe place etc. My first treatment session lasted for about 90 minutes and at the beginning my stress level was a 10 on a scale of 1-10 but at the end of the treatment session my stress level was about 3-4. This was with just one treatment session.

In addition to the first session at the office, I was given some things I need to do at home before my next office visit when we will discuss if I need another EMDR treatment or if we can begin counseling sessions. What I know for sure as of this writing is I haven’t seen another scorpion since my first treatment so I don’t know how I will react if/when I do, but I am happy to say, as of Monday night, I have been able to turn off the bright light and/or lamp in my room (something I haven’t been able to do since this all started in April) and now I sleep with only a very small, night-light on. That in and of itself is worth the treatment for me as it is a huge improvement for me for right now. I am looking forward to my continued work with my therapist, and my continued success.

Next: Asking For Help & Helping Others

In my last post I told you I was seeking therapy to help me work through what I thought started out as my fear of scorpions that may have turned into a full-blown scorpion phobia. I promised to give you an update as soon as I could. It’s been a while since my last post because what I thought was going to be a simple fix turned out to be so much more. I will share all that with you but, first, I want you to know why I even want to share my personal issues here at all.

When I started my blog my goal was to share things from my life that I felt might help someone else who might be dealing with similar issues. My bi-line on my blog clearly states my blog is about “Family life..with a unique perspective of motherhood”. So what does that mean? Well, to me, it means I will share honestly with my readers, everything I know to be true from the events of my life because I wish I would have had someone being honest with me as I was growing up, as a young adult, and as I became a mother. Life isn’t always easy and I know we all have our own crosses to carry in this life and my struggles are no more or less than anyone else’s, but I am more willing to talk about my issues in the hopes I can help even one other person who might be dealing with big life issues like the betrayal and broken trust of a loved one, which for me, that lesson came directly at the hands of my father. Growing up, I never knew that sometimes father’s aren’t always your hero, and mothers can live in denial… I wish there would have been someone sharing with me how one moves past all that and what can happen to you if you don’t deal with the impacts that kind of hurt and grief brings. Even though I forgave my father, and I did, I never sought the help I should have to help me put me back together as a healthy, whole, person. I went through the motions, and even took care of those who hurt me, but I was not skilled enough to patch up all the holes the emotional stress caused me and had no idea how the walls I put up could come crashing down around me.

Turns out, as I went merrily along my way in life, I thought I had all the emotional hurts packed neatly away and I would never be haunted by them again. Then, we moved to this beautiful little dream house, and I found out we had scorpions, not unlike thousands of other people who live in the beautiful Arizona desert. But, for me, what should have been a “healthy” respectful fear of the scorpions, quickly turned into Traumatic Stress as diagnosed by my Therapist.

Well now, how did a fear of scorpions turn into traumatic stress? Turns out, all the stress I have been packing neatly away all these years from growing up in a dysfunctional family, Shantel losing her eyes to cancer, my Katie not stepping up to be a real mother to Shantel, my father hurting Shantel which in turn tore our entire family apart, my mother’s denial, my brother’s deaths and not having them in my life which has direct ties back to the hurt my father caused… and all the other things I discussed in my past blog posts, all these things I saw as evils in my life… then, one day, after we moved into this new home, I saw a scorpion, and suddenly I had a break from reality as that scorpion represented every EVIL I have ever dealt with in my life or thought I dealt with. I am finding out the human brain will shut down what it cannot process or it will put the excess stressful information into a part of the brain where it gets locked in and causes traumatic stress until that information is unlocked through psychotherapy followed by intensive counseling.

I found a wonderful Therapist, who not only is a professional counselor, but also a EMDR Trauma Clinician Level II. EMDR is Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It is a powerful method of psychotherapy that has helped an estimated two million people of all ages relieve many types of psychological distress.

Next Post: How EMDR Works!

For those of you who follow my blog, by now you all know we bought a new little dream home in April and I was so happy and filled with joy until I found out it has scorpions. I also found out I am terrified of scorpions. Now, when I say terrified, I really mean TERRIFIED!! I have never in my entire life had anything affect me in this way. I’ve lived in the beautiful Arizona desert all my life and have never, ever, even seen a scorpion in our around any home I ever lived in, until now.

I have tried everything I know to deal with this debilitating fear. We have a professional pest control company spray our home every month, we bought special sprays, crystals, powers etc. on our  own to fight of these horrible things. We’ve put down Rhino Sticky Tape, Real Kill Glue Boards all of which help, but still every time I think they are gone I find another one somewhere and the terror begins again. Then, just to set me right over what is left of the little ledge I have been standing on, and diminish what little sanity I had left to cling too… the other day, I find a huge wolf spider out in the garage. My dad used to  tell me they won’t hurt you, but I looked them up and they do pack a powerful, painful, bite of which I just don’t ever want to experience. Nor do I ever want to be stung by a scorpion or even have one anywhere near me or my family, EVER…

I hate to admit defeat, but nothing we have tried has helped reduce my stress or fears. I can’t sleep without a light on (if I sleep at all) my hair is shedding due to the stress and I have a rash all over my torso that I now have to have a dermatologist treat because it keeps coming back as soon as I finish the medication the doctors gave me to treat it…

I have come to realize that I don’t want to do this any more. I can no longer live in this constant state of trauma and debilitating fear which I now know has moved way beyond fear and developed into a full-blown phobia and I believe the first step in getting cured is to admit you have a problem and ask for help. I’ve done that now and I have enlisted the help of a licensed professional who deals with trauma and phobia’s to help me deal with this before I go over the deep end never to return again my dear friends.

I will keep you posted of my progress as I learn what I need to do to cope with all this. Just please hold good thoughts that part of my therapy will NOT include touching or holding any scorpions so I learn how to “move’ past my “fear’…if that were to happen to me, all I can say is it was nice knowing all of you and I will see you on the other side…

Stay Tuned!