A Letter To Tommy

In my post from yesterday I told you all about how I saw a scorpion for the first time since I had my EMDR treatments, and how I was able to kill it with my flip-flop…I told you all how I couldn’t wait to tell my therapist because I knew how proud she would be and how I thought she just might say I’m ready to graduate and live happy ever after therapy…

My therapist was very happy to hear I killed the scorpion and she said it didn’t matter that it was dying, it wasn’t dead and I was able to kill it so it still counts as taking control of the situation I was faced with…But, when I asked her if she thought I was ready to graduate and live happy ever after now…she said “well, not so fast”…she said “you know as well as I do that this was never about the scorpions...it was about all the hurt and pain you’ve carried around until it became so heavy a tiny scorpion was able to break you…so what now I asked? She looked at me as if to say you already know the answer to that question. So I smiled and said “I guess you’re looking at a retirement package with me right”? She smiled back at me and told me “you have such a beautiful spirit” but it’s been wounded and needs help to heal…then she gave me homework!

Throughout our sessions we’ve touched on many, many, things that brought me to the point where I finally sought help. We talked a little bit about each of my family members from my parents, to my siblings, to my children…Now, she says we need to dig deeper and really look at my relationship with each person and the impact they have had on my life…Since we already discussed my father at length (but we will visit that many times I’m told) as well as my mother, my therapist told me she wanted me start talking more about my siblings. She told me to write a letter to my brother, Tommy. I’m to write him a detailed letter saying everything I would say if I had the chance to talk to him again. Something that I can’t do because he died on June 20th, 2000. After I write the letter to Tommy, I’m to fold it, put it into an envelope, seal it, and bring it to my next therapy session next week.

When I need to think, I always find myself drawn to water. So today I went to a lovely park and walked around a lake.

This is Desert Breeze Park.

I hoped to find inspiration here as I began to think about what I will write in my letter to Tommy.

What do you say to the brother, who along with his family, was as hurt by our father as I was? How do I tell him about the vast emptiness I still feel knowing he died before I ever got a chance to tell him how sorry I am for what happened to him and his family, and how I wish I could turn back time and have a do over?

I wonder if he knows how alone I sometimes felt as I kept the secrets of our father to myself so as not to let our other siblings, and other family members, be hurt. They would never have believed anything bad about our father, just as I didn’t, and what purpose would it serve to hurt them?

I wish my mind could be as still as the water in the lake was today, but I know that won’t happen until the storm that’s coming passes..

I know what I have to do, but I wish I could just go fishing instead!

Things are going to get very emotional for me as I continue on my journey to a healthier me. I will continue to write about my journey and my progress. Some of the things I write about will be painful for some of my readers, but keep in mind you always have a choice to simply stop reading. I wish this was a book I could just put down but I can’t. I need to work through this and I will continue to share what I can, as I can.

Stay tuned!

10 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Lucie
    Oct 04, 2012 @ 21:38:12

    Cindy ~ I know how hard it is for you to go through passed pains and disappointments. I too struggle with that but know that I am praying for you and asking the Lord to place his protection on you as I know he always does. Blessing to you for a healthier you. love you more than you know.


  2. ozandtucka
    Oct 05, 2012 @ 02:56:50

    This is a tough one – but know you have support!


  3. closetomybreakingpoint
    Oct 05, 2012 @ 13:52:57

    Cindy — I love you cousin. I pray that you find the peace you are seeking. You are such a wonderful person and deserve to be truly happy in every way. I admire your strength and am always here if you need anything!!!


  4. gotham girl
    Oct 05, 2012 @ 19:05:30

    Well missy…this just brought big tears…how beautifully written…know how much you mean to me! xoxo MORE!


  5. Megs
    Oct 05, 2012 @ 21:24:23

    I don’t even know how to begin………as I read this blog all my past comes rushing back. We share such similar lives. I am sobbing, because I know first hand your pain. I so admire how courageous you are!! Thank you for being open to sharing your journey & being a part of my life!!! Love you! Xoxo


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