Go In Peace

In my last post I told you I put myself in “TIME OUT” from my mother and that I was going to use that “TIME OUT” to clear my head, my heart, and recharge my spirit, before I could go back to see my mother again which I intended to do next week…

Well, after a lot of ignoring my mother’s phone messages asking me to come back now…a lot of crying, some sleepless nights, wine, prayer, and a lot of self-talk…I went back to see my mother yesterday.

When I arrived at my mother’s room I said “good morning” she looked up at me and started crying and said I called and called you. I said I know mom but I wasn’t ready to talk to you. I wasn’t trying to be mean to you but I needed time to clear my head and my heart and recharge myself so I could come and talk to you in a peaceful manner.  I said mom, you can’t force someone to be ready to talk when their hurt or angry. It’s better to let them retreat with dignity until they are ready to try again. Mom said “I’m sorry Cindy, and I’m going to try to behave better”. I hugged her and told her it’s not a matter of “behaving” mom, for me it’s a matter of us being able to talk to each other without hurting one another. I said I want our visits to be pleasant. I don’t want to upset you mom, and I don’t want to be upset either. So can we agree to just take it one visit at a time and can we agree that when I come to see you will know I’m coming because I do care about you and I want to make sure you have everything you need, that you are being well cared for, and I want to be able to talk to you about things you do everyday here at the care center and share with you the things I do. And, when it’s time for me to leave mom, I want you to be able to let me go in peace knowing that I stayed as long as I could and I will be back. I asked mom what she needs from me and she said you do enough for me already I just need to know that you’ll always come back. I promised her I would and told her “I guess we will just have to keep trying until we finally get it right”. Then we went to the activity room and watched the price is right together until it was time for her church service and for me to “go in peace” which I did.

Some people reading my blog may not be able to understand my relationship with my mother. If you have or had a wonderful, loving relationship with your mother I envy you and I’m sure you can’t understand my relationship with my mother. Many, many  things have taken place between my mother and I that caused a significant strain on our relationship over the years. But still, we continue to try to hold on, and continue to try to work through the pain and tears and the sometimes darkness of our relationship until we find the light that allows us to get to a place where we can stop hurting each other long enough to actually listen before we talk and that allows us to agree to start over again and keep trying to make it better because that’s what family’s do…for my mother and I that’s the BEST we can do. I’ll take that and try not to expect anything more.

Stay Tuned!

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Bill
    Apr 04, 2013 @ 22:48:14

    Peace in the Valley!

    Bill

    Reply

  2. gotham girl
    Apr 08, 2013 @ 22:20:35

    Well remember that I’m sharing my mom with you my sweet! I just wish she was able to be around YOU. You would so make her day(s)… And it is the BEST you can do with yours. Know I’m proudly in the bleachers cheering you on! Love you MORE!

    Reply

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