Please Don’t Ask For More

Than I Can Give…

My mother is upset with me, again… She wants to come home for Thanksgiving, but my family and I are going across town to spend Thanksgiving with some very dear friends of ours. Their house in not wheelchair accommodating, and my mother doesn’t walk. In addition, when I do bring my mother home for any event, I always need to make sure I have another woman, family member, i.e. my sister-in-law, available to help me get my mother in and out of the bathroom… I can’t, and won’t, ask friends to do that, and it is not something my brother, Danny, or my husband, Bill, should participate in either. So that limits how often I take my mother out of the care center where she lives…

In addition to my mother being upset with me about not coming home for Thanksgiving, she is equally upset with me because my family and I are going to Colorado this year to spend Christmas, and my husband, Bill’s, birthday on 12/27, with our kids and grandkids. This will be the first time I have not had Christmas at our house. But, we decided this year we wanted to be with our grandkids, in their own homes, to watch them open their presents. My mother is just beside herself that I would even think of leaving town for Christmas. I spoke to my brother, Danny, about how upset my mother is with me and he said “I know she told me all about it.” Then, he said he couldn’t take our mother out to their daughter’s house for Thanksgiving for all the same reason’s I mentioned above… Danny also told me to “not worry about it and that mom is just going to have to get used to it…” So I decided I would take his advice and just let it go…

Until my mother called me yesterday, basically to try to make me feel guilty, as she has always used that tactic with me all my life… My phone rang and I saw it was my mother so I put on my most cheerful voice and said “Hi mom”, she said “Cindy, part of my tooth broke when I was eating lunch. It’s one of the big teeth on the bottom of my mouth. She said she had to stop eating because it is so loose and she is afraid the whole tooth is going to come out. I asked if it hurts her and she said “no, not now.” She said I don’t know what I’m going to do because the traveling Dentist won’t come back to the care center until next month. I said “mom, your insurance doesn’t cover dental work until after the first of the year so you need to be careful about agreeing to get dental work done until I can find out how much it covers so you are not charged a lot of money, that you don’t have, to pay for a crown etc.” I said “perhaps the tooth can just be pulled…which would be a lot cheaper, if it is one that you could live without. Well, that really set her off and she said ” I know all that, you don’t have to keep telling me I don’t have any money, so why do you have to keep bringing that up?” I said “well, mom, you called me to tell me about your tooth so I assumed you wanted me to help you figure out what would be the best thing for you to do. If that isn’t the case, mom, then why did you call?” She said “I just wanted you to know I’m suffering.” I said ” you just told me the tooth wasn’t hurting  you so how are you suffering, mom?” She said “just never mind, I’ll just tell you about the activity’s they have planned here for Thanksgiving for the poor people who don’t have families to be with.” Then she went on to read the list of what is scheduled for every hour of the day on Thanksgiving…” When she finished reading the list to me, I said “well, mom, Bill and I will be up to see you about 8:30 a.m. on Thanksgiving before we get ready to go to Holly and Chuck’s house. My mother said “don’t bother if it’s going to put you out.” I took a deep breath and simply said “I’ll see you Thursday, mom.” She said I have to go now and hung up…

Through therapy, I’ve finally learned how to cope with my mother’s negativity, and the guilt she constantly lays at my feet. I know I’m doing the very best I can to look after her NEEDS, but I have to put strict limits around allowing her to guilt me into supporting all of her wants… My mother wants me to just sit with her everyday, and says I should be able to do that since “I don’t work, or do anything all day.” I remind my mother that while I don’t work outside our home…, I do have a life, and family, and home to take care of, and I’m doing the best I can for her so please don’t ask for more than I can give

I will see my mother on Thanksgiving morning, and hopefully that will go well. Either way, I’m not going to let these flare-ups with my mother keep me from enjoying the holiday’s with the rest of my family and friends. Over the years I’ve learned one thing for sure…, sometimes you just have to know you’re doing the best you can, let it go, and move on…

Stay Tuned!

2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. katsbynp
    Nov 27, 2013 @ 20:03:48

    You are a very loving and devoted daughter but sometimes we need to put ourselves first. This is not an easy thing but a necessary one. Have a Happy Thanksgiving and enjoy your time with family and friends.


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